The End

Well we’ve come to the end and it’s been an interesting ride. We’ve had some laughs; offended some people…ok a lot of people, and hopefully just maybe learned something. Life is a crazy rollercoaster and you just have to go with it. You can’t try and take it apart, see how it works, discover how all the pieces fit together. You just have to decide what works for you and go for it (unless what you decide is stupid, then go for something else).

In the words of my personal hero Captain Jack Sparrow, “The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem.” Good sir we salute you. The man does have a point, there’s plenty of ways to look at a situation and if you always choose to be a Debbie Downer you’re going to end up as a Debbie Loner.

Looking back I found my original mission statement from my first post, “Over the next few months I’m going to be bringing you two segments a week covering everything from music to fashion to the big questions”. About one minute after writing that I realized I had absolutely no intention of writing about music, or fashion, or food because you already know what you like to eat, wear and listen to. You’ve just got it all figured out don’t you. Well some of you might, and the rest may not but if you’re the latter you better catch up soon because the clock is ticking.

If you have learned nothing from this grand little adventure we’ve undergone together these past months, remember this:

And thanks for stopping by.

Today in History

This Saturday past (April 20) we celebrated a momentous day in history. No, it’s not what you think, get over yourself. No matter how far you march or how many posters you hang no one is going to “legalize it”, just get a real job and move on.

No, this was a day for all true Canadians to mark on their calendars. It’s finally safe to dig up that jersey you buried in the back yard so long ago because after nine years the Toronto Maple Leafs have finally made the play-offs!

For the less sports savvy of the world there are 30 teams in the National Hockey League between the Eastern and Western conferences and of those thirty, eight will advance from each conference. So as you can see over 50% of all the teams earn a spot in the play-offs, not all that hard right? It shouldn’t be unless your colours are blue and white.

But that’s all in the past now because this time they’ve done it.

Fair warning though, don’t get too excited. The Leafs haven’t won a Stanley Cup since before we landed on the moon (1967 to be exact). But let’s all hope for the best because the city of Toronto allegedly has big plans for this once in a lifetime opportunity: converting the CN tower into a giant goal light to celebrate their team. Opinions differ on how big of a waste of money that is considering they’ll never get a chance to use it, but it’s good fun all the same.

Selfies anyone?

Many people would consider two of the greatest inventions of the modern age to be the camera and the telephone. One of the worst inventions of the modern age was putting them together. If you’ve visited the internet lately you may have noticed a lot of pictures of…well…stuff. When you have a camera attached to your cellphone the world is your oyster. Eating some tasty food, why not snap a pic and share it with the world? Happen to be walking past a mirror, how about striking a pose and kick-starting your modeling career. If you work out at the gym and don’t take a picture, do you even lift? And never forget to catalogue panorama shots of your immediate surroundings at all times because if everyone doesn’t know where you are then you aren’t staying relevant.

And let’s not forget, if you just got back from the mall with eight bags of swag I am just as excited about it as you are. So why not lay it all out on your bed like a puzzle so everything fits nicely and take the shot. And just so I know that they all fit try on every possible outfit combination and click away.

Thanks to this wonderful piece of modern technology everyone can now list “photography” as one of their official hobbies and interests. And now thanks to snapchat you don’t even have to be afraid of your friend leaking that embarrassing picture and destroying your life. You can send anything anytime and it deletes itself in seconds. The possibilities are endless.

Tweet that sh*t bro!

Have you begun to realize that as you scroll through your twitter feed you have absolutely no idea what anyone is saying? Are you forced to keep Urban Dictionary open on another tab just to translate the obscure lingo? You’re not alone.

It seems more and more that the easily impressionable are turning away from real people words and embracing the terminology created by their favourite underground Youtube rapper (you may also want to keep a tab open to keep up with all the underground Youtube rappers).

For example: Jabroni. This word has been appearing more and more in the last few weeks and it is without a doubt the stupidest term to come across the web in recent memory. According to the ever reliable and socially relevant Urban Dictionary this is someone who is a loser, sh*t-talker, and many more equally endearing titles.

Also if the music industry wasn’t confusing enough already many artists have chosen to adopt secondary names that are used across the internet. Some more common examples of these would be:

Lil’ Wayne= weezy (fair enough, no one can understand a damn word he says)

Drake= Drizzy (...?)

So if it wasn’t hard enough already to communicate a proper message in 140 characters or less (when you need more space proper grammar is the first thing to go) it doesn’t get any easier when people decide their dictionary would better serve as rolling paper.

At least pretend you’ve spent every year of your school life taking English and leave these new slang terms where they belong: nowhere, ever.

Get Soooome!

As a teenager living in a teenager's world there is three letters that you will have to know, and will soon come to despise with a burning passion: P.D.A. There is a varying degree of tolerance from person to person but the general consensus is that it makes you die a little inside every time you are forced to bear witness to two individuals pressed up against the wall of a crowded hallway or standing on the platform of a stairway sharing a moment while everyone awkwardly weaves their way around this human roadblock. Ignorance is bliss they say, and 99.99% of the world would like to remain blissfully ignorant of your relationship.

To be fair there are varying degrees of this unfortunate practice. There are those who comport themselves in a mature and respectful manner, restricting their actions to handholding between classes.

Then there are those who like to pretend that if they close their eyes while they suck each other’s face off that no one can see them either.

Continuing on there are those weird couples who just creep you out more than anything and make you want to stay single for as long as possible. You know, the ones who just sit on the floor of some secluded hallway poking and tickling each other while one steals the others food. They make us sick, and we hate them.

I share this with you in the hope that should you ever find yourself enamoured by that special someone you will remember that there is a whole world out there, full of people who just want to get on with their day; and nobody needs to see that.

It’s The Most Wonderful Time of The Year!

It’s a sad day in New York, Ted.


A sad day indeed.


Do you know what I saw on my way in here?


A girl...in a sweater!





And you know what that means?


The season of exposed skin is over.


Exactly!





Gone are the tank tops, Ted.


Gone are the cute little skirts.


Gone are the sundresses! The sundresses, Ted.


I don’t think I can make it another 8 months with no sundresses.



“Barney, I really...I have to grade these papers.” - Ted



I’m sorry, I’ll let you work.



But first a riddle...



What piece of women’s attire most stokes a man’s desire?


“A sundress?” - Ted


Correct.



What lightweight outfit, pink or white,

makes the front of my slacks abnormally tight?


“I really have to get this done.” - Ted


Of course, of course...



Sundress by the way.

-   Barney Stinson

Ah yes it was a difficult season for us all. These 8 months have taken their toll, physically, emotionally. But that’s all in the past because unless you haven’t noticed, spring is on its way! Yes the snow banks are receding, the first slivers of grass have made their grand debut, and the birds have begun to trumpet the coming mornings.

This season marks the beginning of the greatest time of the year. The sun is hot, the drinks are cold, and sundresses and short-shorts are the order of the day. It’s like Christmas if Christmas lasted for 3 months straight.

So get out of the house, roll the top back and see where the road takes you. All things are possible when the sun doesn’t set till 10. Shoot hoops, hit the beach, seize the day.

Declaration of not-so-Independence

As teens approach adulthood there is a tendency to develop the misguided idea that they are their own independent person against whom no laws can be enforced. News flash: your parents own you; both in a metaphorical and legally binding way. We get it, you want things to be different, loosen up, offer you a chance to discover yourself and the world around you and that’s cool. Just while you’re doing all that remember that it is -5 outside overnight and if you weren’t living in the comfort of your parents’ home, you would freeze to death.

The closer teens get to the age of majority, that sweet light of freedom on the horizon, the more they seem to think that the tables have turned and they are now the ones in charge. Oh no, no no no. I hate to be the one to shatter your delusion but they pay your bills, feed you, give you a car and might even be paying your way through university. So when they tell you to clean your room, instead of going on the laptop they bought you and complaining about the injustice of the child slavery you’re subject to, you could just do it.

It’s still shocking for me to walk down the hall and hear someone who has mistaken pajama pants for clothes loudly proclaim to their fellow pajama clad classmates how they can do all the drugs they want, drink all they want, and stay out a late as they want and “that b*tch” (their mother) can’t tell them what to do. Sorry what? You’re the reason I can’t take my backpack into Central but you think you could be trusted to make responsible life choices? Nice try.

Lazy Days

You should probably finish that math homework; prepare those essay quotes, read that textbook chapter. You should, but it’s Wednesday, which is almost Thursday, which is almost Friday, which is almost the weekend, so you’ll do it later. Ah yes laziness makes the world go round...when it feels like it.

            In all seriousness though teen laziness is an epidemic. When was the last time you woke up bright and early and full of energy and actually accomplished something meaningful? If you think you can actually name a time then you’re lying to yourself and everyone else, shame on you! You have no doubt heard the insane conspiracy theory that it all comes back to not getting enough sleep but that’s just preposterous. I mean come on; you’re totally good to go on those precious 3 hours you got last night. Just slap on a band-aid (and by band-aid I mean a Starbucks moca-frappa-vente-latte-chino) and you’re good to go.
 

            So go forth you youthful ball of energy: drive the two blocks to school, don’t understand a word the teacher is saying, sleep with your head down on a desk then drive home and sleep some more.

Ironically I’m too lazy to write a full post so I’m using this to fill my minimum 250 word requirement.

Lalalalalalalalalalala!!!!!!!!!!

Undoubtedly you’re probably shaking your head at this horrendous display of spelling, grammar, and the complete misuse of “there” “they’re” “their” “your” and “you’re”, but in keeping with the theme no form of spell/grammar check was used cause ain’t nobody got time for that!

Those Damn Kids!

Have you ever left the comfort of you r fancy techno-gadgets and taken a walk out in the world? Well somewhere along the way, at some point or another, you’ve probably encountered someone of the elderly persuasion. It went something like this: the closer you got, the closer they got to the edge of the sidewalk. As you passed you may have smiled at them or said hello, doesn’t matter, they still pretended you didn’t exist until you were almost past at which point they threw you a glance that was somewhere between fear and hatred. You see, you may not have realized this but you are in fact a hooligan, a ne’re-do-well probably on your way to rob a convenience store or graffiti city hall. Adults take one look at you and suddenly you're Eminem walking down 8-mile (of course they have no idea who or what that is). Teenagers have a bad rap and you can thank your estimable colleagues loafing at the King St. bus terminal for that one. I guess it’s just the way of the world but teens have been this way since the dawn of time so you can be sure that those people sitting on the park bench claiming you’re going to destroy the world were doing the exact same as everyone else when they were teens. So try and remember when you’ve past your prime that just because they’re young doesn’t mean they’re evil. Unfortunately for the next few years all you can is smile as you go by and hope for the best.

Turn it Down

They invented headphones for a reason; maybe some of you didn't get the memo. When I’m walking down the hall from one class to the next, or sitting in the cafeteria freezing my ass off the last thing I want to hear is your taste in music broadcast to the world. As much fun as your remixed dupstep is, as gangster as your 2 Chainz may be just remember that while your boppin' to the beat every single person within range wants to strangle you with the cord to your ridiculously overpriced Beats. We all know that there’s nothing a teacher loves more than their lesson being interrupted by someone who doesn’t know what class they’re supposed to be in swagging their way down the hall passed the open door. Maybe if you took a break from that very fashion forward snapback you sport on the daily you’d actually be able to fit them on your head, crazy I know. The epitome of this ridiculous practice is when a group of equally charming individuals get together and are forced to increase the volume of their music in order to compete with everyone around them, the effect is something like the worst concert you never wanted to go to. Only slightly less frustrating is that kid in MSIP who thinks just because his earbuds are in that I can’t hear every note pouring out across the room. Not only is it annoying but I cringe at the thought that they won’t be able to hear when their twenty. For as long as we are forced to spend 6 hours a day 5 days a week in each others company do the world a favour: get a belt, walk faster, and turn that sh*t down!

#ShutupGetout

Social media is become a more and more prevalent part of our daily lives, it allows us to keep up to the minute with events around the world, communicate with one another, and gives us something to read on our phones in awkward situations. Unfortunately this power has proved too much for many teens to handle responsibly. I’m not talking about your half naked mirror selfies or the album titled “summer”, which is really just ten pictures of you hitting buckets, no, I’m talking about something much more serious. I’m talking about that girl in your class that you followed on twitter the other day. The first red flag should have been that she has 12,576 tweets since October 2012, or her bio that goes something like “Gossip Girl is my life- Dreamer #yolo #newyork #longhairdontcare”. So maybe you didn’t notice those, well then you’re in for a bumpy ride. For as long as it takes you to realize you hate the person and unfollow them your news feed is going to be mercilessly violated by One Direction lyrics, comparisons of her parents to Hitler and other charming characters, and “RT for s/o”. Before being allowed onto the internet everyone should be reminded that no one cares about their drama and it’s not ok to start a fight with the girl you say stole your boyfriend on my newsfeed. Furthermore there is nothing less interesting to anyone than the fact that you have “insomnia” because you’re awake at 12:30, and if you seriously expect people to bring you food on demand, you’re going to starve to death.

As more and more people abandon the sinking ship that is Facebook and move to greener pastures like Twitter, Tumblr and Instagram this has become less of an epidemic but is still of noteworthy concern nonetheless. Have you noticed lately that the only people still actively using Facebook are the weird people you’re only friends with for school reasons? Yeah. Don’t “share” anything onto my feed, I’m not going to read it; I don’t care how sad a story it is, how funny the cat looks or how many likes they need to magically cure their cancer. Also please think before you post pictures. We get it, it’s easy, you can upload straight from your phone anytime anywhere, but that doesn’t mean you should! Rule of thumb: if you have an entire album of your cat go stand in the internet corner of shame.

Harlem Shake Your Ass Off

Oh come on, you knew this was coming. It’s blown up all across the internet and whether you love it, hate it, or you’re one of those people who try to preserve some kind of self-righteous dignity by claiming you haven’t watched it, you’ve all heard of the Harlem Shake.

For those of you who haven’t seen it, get out from under you’re rock. Like so many of today’s popular topics no one seems to have any idea where it came from (maybe Harlem?) and yet every video on YouTube has views into the thousands and millions. It’s quite simple really, you’re in a quiet environment like an office or university lecture hall when all of a sudden someone starts dancing. No one even looks up and it looks like you are in for thirty seconds of someone making a complete ass of them self. Then suddenly the bass drops and you’re witnessing the wildest rave since Much Music all ages dances went out of style.

With the innumerable versions spamming the front page of YouTube there’s something for everyone. It would appear that every university in Canada has done the Harlem Shake for our viewing pleasure, some better than others.

Want to make your own Harlem Shake?

Well first things first: don’t. I repeat, just don’t. But if I can’t stop you then here’s what you’ll need:

·      -Some sweet dance moves

·      -A crowded space

·      -No self-respect

·      -A wide variety of strange and entertaining outfits

·      -The song (#3 on the itunes top 10…WTF?)

Now armed with this knowledge go forth and promote stupidity on the internet for the amusement of those with nothing better to do with their time!

And things change…

Life goes on, people come and go and we carry on. What a sad reality this is. Young people the world over face some of the most difficult choices of their lives in the span of a few months. No pressure or anything. Most of us know and accept that moving on means saying goodbye, and we’re okay with that because it’s part of life. But as time makes it’s slow advance you start to look around and take stock of all the things in your life. You stop and consider the people you know then you realize that maybe you’ll never see some of them again. People tell you that you need to get out and see the world, to be on your own and experience what life is really like. Maybe people are wrong. Life isn’t a predetermined set of hard truths and harsh realities, life is what we make it out to be. In the end the things that matter are the people and places you care about the most, and you know what, maybe you’ve already found them. Yes, you should get out of your town and see places and meet people, but that doesn’t mean it has to be forever. The “real world” isn’t some magical place where everything gets better and people become nicer and colours look brighter, it’s the exact same, it just a lot more problems. So if you’ve already found what makes you happy then fight for it because in the end it’s all that matters. And those people who tell you otherwise? They work 9-5 seven days a week, hate their job, and just maxed-out their second credit card, so what do they really know about life.

Thanks a lot Macklemore

In the years since we buried the GAP hoodie and the TNA sweater a new clothing movement seems to have emerged: Thrift Shopping. There is also, coincidently, a direct correlation between the rise in popularity of this activity and the release of Macklemore’s new hit song “Thrift Shop”. All the cool kids are doing it these days. It’s a chance to own something unique and to make a statement about your individuality. Although everyone appears to be ignoring one thing, isn’t it supposed to be cheaper? The thrift shop was invented to offer affordable clothing to those who couldn’t buy new and yet the people I know who enjoy a regular visit to Unit 5 “vintage boutique” are paying as much as I am for my new items. Teens it seems, have collectively decided that it is pretentious to shop at popular brand stores like American Eagle and Hollister (that’s a whole other story). Whether they don’t realize, or just choose to ignore, it is exponentially more pretentious to shop second hand at full price because it makes you feel special.

Let’s break it down, you didn’t walk into that store to buy a t-shirt, you could get that anywhere. No you’re there for something different. That button up shirt’s pattern is different, that knit cardigan is different, those slip-ons are different and so is that ankle length skirt. Then suddenly….BAM!

Sorry what?

I guess this is almost a good thing because we can now say without a doubt that we’ve hit rock bottom, it’s all up from here.

The 60’s are back…with a vengeance

The say everything in fashion comes back around eventually: vertical stripes, floral patterns and even leopard print (call the fashion police!). Unfortunately the haute couture nightmares that keep Dolce and Gabbana awake at night have been realized, the 60’s have come back into style: It's the Hipster revolution. Yes you read that correctly, the 60’s, and all that that implies.

Arguably even worse than the original; what has become of this fashion era is a strange hybrid of indie and “too cool for school”. This has resulted in thick-rimmed glasses (they’re even cooler when you don’t need them to see), moccasins, indie coffee shops where local artists can display their work for sale, and tattoos of dandelions and bird feathers (cause they all love mother nature).

Somehow, somewhere, it began. We’re not yet sure who to blame or how to stop it but if the rumours are true the Pentagon has something in the works. If Al Gore were to remake “An inconvenient truth” he would tell us all that the single greatest threat to our planet is Hipsters.

And yet amidst all this chaos and over priced American Apparel clothing, hope remains. Even you sitting in front of a screen reading this can help get young people back of the right track. The greatest positive effect you can have against Hipsters is to stop putting the retro filter on your instagram pictures. The founding fathers invented the digital camera so our pictures would be clearer and of better quality, not grainy and faded because you think it’s artsy and clever. If I can leave you with any parting words it would be these: you didn’t like it before everyone else, it’s not vintage, and “you just don’t get it”- actually we do but it’s still not cool.

Oh The Places We'll Go

A good friend of mine once said, "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it". Ok yes that was Ferris Bueller and no we are not good friends, but it's still good advice for the up and coming young person. We're growing, we're changing and we all have a lot of questions: does this outfit make me look fat, when's the new T-Swift album coming out, they're so hot do they even know I exist? They're all toughies and probably better answered by grabbing a tub of ice cream and watching "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" (s/o Emma Watson), but since you're here we'll see what we can come up with. Fear not because I’m going to throw you a rope and save you from the stormy waters of your confused teenage existence!

Over the next few months I’m going to be bringing you two segments a week covering everything from music to fashion to the big questions. Got a topic you want covered? Feel free to leave a comment; ideas are always welcome.

Since we like to keep things relevant here why not start off with something every teen was watching this past weekend: The Oscars. Ah yes the red carpet, the celebrities, the dresses and the awards always make for an exceptionally entertaining event. This year however didn’t hold many surprises (except Jennifer Lawrence’s failure to make it up the steps) as far as awards went. If you’ve seen or at least heard much of the buzz surrounding this years favorite stars and their respective films then you’d agree credit was given where it was deserved. This years host Seth Macfarlane did, I would say, quite a good job (not high expectations for the creator of Family Guy) with a little help from Captain Kirk (William Shatner) returned from the future to lend him a hand. I think we were all at least slightly impressed with Mr. Macfarlane’s vocal talents in several musical numbers. Also performing with Macfarlane on stage were Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Daniel Radcliffe and Channing Tatum with Charlize Theron. Now we could spend all night arguing about how many substances Quentin Tarantino had abused before the ceremonies but I don’t think we’d ever be able to come up with the whole list so I’ll just end things here by saying of The Oscars “We cried and we laughed and had a really really really good time” (Macklemore, And We Danced).