The End

Well we’ve come to the end and it’s been an interesting ride. We’ve had some laughs; offended some people…ok a lot of people, and hopefully just maybe learned something. Life is a crazy rollercoaster and you just have to go with it. You can’t try and take it apart, see how it works, discover how all the pieces fit together. You just have to decide what works for you and go for it (unless what you decide is stupid, then go for something else).

In the words of my personal hero Captain Jack Sparrow, “The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem.” Good sir we salute you. The man does have a point, there’s plenty of ways to look at a situation and if you always choose to be a Debbie Downer you’re going to end up as a Debbie Loner.

Looking back I found my original mission statement from my first post, “Over the next few months I’m going to be bringing you two segments a week covering everything from music to fashion to the big questions”. About one minute after writing that I realized I had absolutely no intention of writing about music, or fashion, or food because you already know what you like to eat, wear and listen to. You’ve just got it all figured out don’t you. Well some of you might, and the rest may not but if you’re the latter you better catch up soon because the clock is ticking.

If you have learned nothing from this grand little adventure we’ve undergone together these past months, remember this:

And thanks for stopping by.

Today in History

This Saturday past (April 20) we celebrated a momentous day in history. No, it’s not what you think, get over yourself. No matter how far you march or how many posters you hang no one is going to “legalize it”, just get a real job and move on.

No, this was a day for all true Canadians to mark on their calendars. It’s finally safe to dig up that jersey you buried in the back yard so long ago because after nine years the Toronto Maple Leafs have finally made the play-offs!

For the less sports savvy of the world there are 30 teams in the National Hockey League between the Eastern and Western conferences and of those thirty, eight will advance from each conference. So as you can see over 50% of all the teams earn a spot in the play-offs, not all that hard right? It shouldn’t be unless your colours are blue and white.

But that’s all in the past now because this time they’ve done it.

Fair warning though, don’t get too excited. The Leafs haven’t won a Stanley Cup since before we landed on the moon (1967 to be exact). But let’s all hope for the best because the city of Toronto allegedly has big plans for this once in a lifetime opportunity: converting the CN tower into a giant goal light to celebrate their team. Opinions differ on how big of a waste of money that is considering they’ll never get a chance to use it, but it’s good fun all the same.

Selfies anyone?

Many people would consider two of the greatest inventions of the modern age to be the camera and the telephone. One of the worst inventions of the modern age was putting them together. If you’ve visited the internet lately you may have noticed a lot of pictures of…well…stuff. When you have a camera attached to your cellphone the world is your oyster. Eating some tasty food, why not snap a pic and share it with the world? Happen to be walking past a mirror, how about striking a pose and kick-starting your modeling career. If you work out at the gym and don’t take a picture, do you even lift? And never forget to catalogue panorama shots of your immediate surroundings at all times because if everyone doesn’t know where you are then you aren’t staying relevant.

And let’s not forget, if you just got back from the mall with eight bags of swag I am just as excited about it as you are. So why not lay it all out on your bed like a puzzle so everything fits nicely and take the shot. And just so I know that they all fit try on every possible outfit combination and click away.

Thanks to this wonderful piece of modern technology everyone can now list “photography” as one of their official hobbies and interests. And now thanks to snapchat you don’t even have to be afraid of your friend leaking that embarrassing picture and destroying your life. You can send anything anytime and it deletes itself in seconds. The possibilities are endless.

Tweet that sh*t bro!

Have you begun to realize that as you scroll through your twitter feed you have absolutely no idea what anyone is saying? Are you forced to keep Urban Dictionary open on another tab just to translate the obscure lingo? You’re not alone.

It seems more and more that the easily impressionable are turning away from real people words and embracing the terminology created by their favourite underground Youtube rapper (you may also want to keep a tab open to keep up with all the underground Youtube rappers).

For example: Jabroni. This word has been appearing more and more in the last few weeks and it is without a doubt the stupidest term to come across the web in recent memory. According to the ever reliable and socially relevant Urban Dictionary this is someone who is a loser, sh*t-talker, and many more equally endearing titles.

Also if the music industry wasn’t confusing enough already many artists have chosen to adopt secondary names that are used across the internet. Some more common examples of these would be:

Lil’ Wayne= weezy (fair enough, no one can understand a damn word he says)

Drake= Drizzy (...?)

So if it wasn’t hard enough already to communicate a proper message in 140 characters or less (when you need more space proper grammar is the first thing to go) it doesn’t get any easier when people decide their dictionary would better serve as rolling paper.

At least pretend you’ve spent every year of your school life taking English and leave these new slang terms where they belong: nowhere, ever.

Get Soooome!

As a teenager living in a teenager's world there is three letters that you will have to know, and will soon come to despise with a burning passion: P.D.A. There is a varying degree of tolerance from person to person but the general consensus is that it makes you die a little inside every time you are forced to bear witness to two individuals pressed up against the wall of a crowded hallway or standing on the platform of a stairway sharing a moment while everyone awkwardly weaves their way around this human roadblock. Ignorance is bliss they say, and 99.99% of the world would like to remain blissfully ignorant of your relationship.

To be fair there are varying degrees of this unfortunate practice. There are those who comport themselves in a mature and respectful manner, restricting their actions to handholding between classes.

Then there are those who like to pretend that if they close their eyes while they suck each other’s face off that no one can see them either.

Continuing on there are those weird couples who just creep you out more than anything and make you want to stay single for as long as possible. You know, the ones who just sit on the floor of some secluded hallway poking and tickling each other while one steals the others food. They make us sick, and we hate them.

I share this with you in the hope that should you ever find yourself enamoured by that special someone you will remember that there is a whole world out there, full of people who just want to get on with their day; and nobody needs to see that.

It’s The Most Wonderful Time of The Year!

It’s a sad day in New York, Ted.


A sad day indeed.


Do you know what I saw on my way in here?


A girl...in a sweater!





And you know what that means?


The season of exposed skin is over.


Exactly!





Gone are the tank tops, Ted.


Gone are the cute little skirts.


Gone are the sundresses! The sundresses, Ted.


I don’t think I can make it another 8 months with no sundresses.



“Barney, I really...I have to grade these papers.” - Ted



I’m sorry, I’ll let you work.



But first a riddle...



What piece of women’s attire most stokes a man’s desire?


“A sundress?” - Ted


Correct.



What lightweight outfit, pink or white,

makes the front of my slacks abnormally tight?


“I really have to get this done.” - Ted


Of course, of course...



Sundress by the way.

-   Barney Stinson

Ah yes it was a difficult season for us all. These 8 months have taken their toll, physically, emotionally. But that’s all in the past because unless you haven’t noticed, spring is on its way! Yes the snow banks are receding, the first slivers of grass have made their grand debut, and the birds have begun to trumpet the coming mornings.

This season marks the beginning of the greatest time of the year. The sun is hot, the drinks are cold, and sundresses and short-shorts are the order of the day. It’s like Christmas if Christmas lasted for 3 months straight.

So get out of the house, roll the top back and see where the road takes you. All things are possible when the sun doesn’t set till 10. Shoot hoops, hit the beach, seize the day.

Declaration of not-so-Independence

As teens approach adulthood there is a tendency to develop the misguided idea that they are their own independent person against whom no laws can be enforced. News flash: your parents own you; both in a metaphorical and legally binding way. We get it, you want things to be different, loosen up, offer you a chance to discover yourself and the world around you and that’s cool. Just while you’re doing all that remember that it is -5 outside overnight and if you weren’t living in the comfort of your parents’ home, you would freeze to death.

The closer teens get to the age of majority, that sweet light of freedom on the horizon, the more they seem to think that the tables have turned and they are now the ones in charge. Oh no, no no no. I hate to be the one to shatter your delusion but they pay your bills, feed you, give you a car and might even be paying your way through university. So when they tell you to clean your room, instead of going on the laptop they bought you and complaining about the injustice of the child slavery you’re subject to, you could just do it.

It’s still shocking for me to walk down the hall and hear someone who has mistaken pajama pants for clothes loudly proclaim to their fellow pajama clad classmates how they can do all the drugs they want, drink all they want, and stay out a late as they want and “that b*tch” (their mother) can’t tell them what to do. Sorry what? You’re the reason I can’t take my backpack into Central but you think you could be trusted to make responsible life choices? Nice try.